Methods of Care: Ramen Edition: transcript

[RELAXING BACKGROUND MUSIC ]. 

VOICEOVER: Bella: Hey Kyla,  I hope you’re doing all right. I am thinking about the conversations we’re having at the moment about food and how that emerges, and the writing that we are creating through the Sick Day Banquet, and how we could expand upon that, and maybe we could see where this takes us and figure out how we could capture this process. I think this could be really cool to like explore a lot of what we’re talking about in these texts and kind of bring them to life in some way – maybe we could do like some kind of reenactment of the process of having someone cook food for us when we are at our lowest ebb. You know, maybe we could do some really cool, uh, Zoom recording or something like that with Niamh and Greg from the Chopping Club and I could kind of like pop in and see where you’re at and it’d be really cool to kind of, like, see the process of this amazing recipe that you’ve written for Sick Day Banquet and um yeah, see it come to life. Let me know what you think, I’d really love to love to try this out with you! Okay, I’ll catch you soon,  bye! 

Kyla: Hey Bella I am absolutely well up for that idea, I think it’s a great way of tying the Sick Day Banquet into, I don’t know, a performative recording, yeah i’m into it and I love Niamh and Greg of course, and the Human Libraries project so let’s make it happen!

Kyla: It’s so wild already to already just see all of the ingredients of a recipe that’s mine in another location! 

Niamh: Yeah it’s such a strange scenario we’ve got, it’s like, it’s quite. it’s amazing – it’s very rare you get to see, you get to pass on a recipe and then see it materialise! 

Kyla: : Like, I feel like maybe this is just like what Nigella Lawson feels like all the time! I think we should just start cooking. What I’d suggest doing first are the onions ,okay, um, because they’re gonna take the longest to cook down and caramelise. 

VOICEOVER: Bella:  Hey Kyla, um, I just thought I’d send you a little message to say: Hi, how are you doing? It’s quite, like, a dark but bright day here in Chesterfield. I’ve had the second day of my new P.A [Personal Assistant], which has gone really well – I was super nervous yesterday because I’m just really new to this setup, like, all the care I’ve had before has always come from family members -from my parents or Jono and I think I really struggle with not just saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you; and ‘would you mind’ to like, everything anyway, and so it was just really weird having someone come in that you’ve never really met before and not offering them a cup of tea. do you know what I mean? Not doing that bit and having to submit to that role and just, yeah, it was really…I was really nervous about it. I think I’m just, it’s just there’s just so many feelings around it, there’s so many feelings around it, like I think it’s really amazing and it’s gonna help my life so much.  Like today i was able to have a bath and wash my hair and I just don’t wash my hair like, ever, um, and just the idea of being able to wash my hair more regularly was just like: oh yeah, oh yeah I guess I could, like, not live with really gross hair all the time, like, yeah, I guess I could do that! Like, so, it’s just kind of these, like, there’s lots of feelings. there’s lots of these realisations happening, and part of that is just it reveals quite a lot of how you cope with stuff, you know, and I find I’m finding that aspect of it really challenging because part of how you cope with things is you just deal with what life looks like and I feel like my standard for being all right is just very low, so I am very like, uh, very… I describe myself as quite a contented person like that, and I don’t need a lot but I think I’m realising over the course of this year in particular just how much that is um, part of a coping strategy for living like this. I think getting this kind of formal setup of care and getting the help that we need to make things better is just revealing that kind of side of things that is like, oh I don’t have to do that though, like, I don’t have to just have this incredibly low bar for what daily life looks like. [Music swells briefly]

Kyla: Could you put the pot on the hob and just start heating that up,  but don’t put any oil in, in the hob yet, I mean, in the pot.  So, turn it on to kind of a medium heat.  This is literally like my dream to, like, boss someone around in the kitchen, but, like, as you know not that…you know I need PAs to assist me with cooking –  Personal Assistants, but I don’t feel like it’s I’m bossing them around but I just felt like I was bossing you around

Niamh: Well I guess you have a different, yeah we, I have a different relationship to this, so it’s like yeah,  I feel like I’m being, uh, no it doesn’t really feel like, it doesn’t feel like being bossed around actually on this end,  it feels like being gently instructed which is a very pleasant feeling in itself actually, because I feel like, when you cook with someone it can be very difficult if there’s like no-one in charge.

Kyla: yeah, It’s true. 

Niamh: People’s opinions on how to do things rubbing up against each other. 

It’s definitely becoming more meditative or something just doing one task at a time 

Kyla: so right now what I’d do after you’ve finished chopping that, um, onion is put the olive oil in the pan.

Niamh: i’m putting kind of a generous amount in, does that sound right?

Kyla: That sounds fantastic.

Niamh: always generous

Kyla: Now I’d let that sit for a minute before… I’d let it heat up before you put the onions in, and start chopping up, roughly chopping up the mushrooms. Those look like very voluptuous mushrooms. I suggest, yeah, i’d suggest using the voluptuous mushrooms for the stock, so yeah, go for them

Niamh: cubes again ? 

Kyla: Yeah finely chopped, I’d say probably the same size as the onions, because the smaller you cut up vegetables the more surface area you get that gets browned, and then that gets more flavour, so, and flavour is the business we’re in today

[Music swells and then fades]

VOICEOVER: Kyla: Yeah i’m so interested to hear more about your experience of having P.As, um, because, you know it’s like, something, I think because I was so young and dealing with so much trauma when i first had P.As, uh, in terms of like, physical trauma and just my body and understanding what disability meant in society,  and all of the changes towards me and my physicality so completely within such a short period of time that, you know, dealing with P.As and having them was just one of those… was just part of that… and it all felt very necessary,  but I think that you’re,  I think it’s great that you’re able to kind of critically, theoretically, emotionally and practically understand your relationship to quote unquote care that isn’t from family. I’ve actually in recent years just kind of taken the plunge to say to my family – I’m always going to come to Canada and travel with a P.A because that is what gives me autonomy whereas when my family, you know, does my care it means that we both end up compromising.  They kind of compromise with not being able to kind of, go to work or, I don’t know, spend time with friends or whatever and I compromise because I generally ask for less, because they’re not being paid to do it and there’s this whole idea of just helping out rather than an actual idea of what a P.A is for which is to give you autonomy and choice and be the…be that kind of support without the complications of familial relationships, but also… there’s something…there’s a grain, there’s a kernel here of something that’s different and I’m trying to, I’m trying to articulate it, and I’m trying to…. it’s like the idea of helping out which is still seen as like an altruistic way of being.

[Relaxing music]

Kyla: Do you mind just throwing a small piece of onion into the pot please to see if it sizzles and reacts

Niamh: yes

Kyla: sizzling?

Niamh: Yes

Kyla: All right so i think that all the onions can go in please. 

Ooh yeah I would, I would love to see in the pot right now. 

Right so those look like they’re steaming and coming along a lot more.  That’s probably enough celery Niamh, maybe even do less 

Niamh: Uh yes six stalks, what do you reckon?

Kyla:  I think, um, you know it is really hard to get an understanding of scale here. 

Niamh: yeah

Kyla: I’m realising how much I kind of rely on scale, like visual scale to understand, uh, measurements of what, you know, the balance of flavours

Niamh: yes definitely

Kyla:  If it’s plump celery then i feel like that’s, what you have in your hand is a good amount.

Niamh: They’re looking good they’re getting nice and soft but do you want them to kind of caramelise?

Kyla: yeah

[Music swells]

Kyla: Chop, uh, an entire box of shiitake mushrooms and put them with the other mushrooms please.  So right now I think… are they starting to get caramelised? I can see scraping a bit which which to me indicates a bit of stickiness which is fantastic. 

Niamh: just starting, just starting

Kyla: Excellent, okay, so right now is kind of the sweet sacred time of mushroom in-between phase where i think it would be good to put, uh, not mushroom in between, onion in- between phase, uh, where it would be good to put in the star anise and bay leaves. 

Niamh: okay 

Kyla: and i always like adding spices and herbs when there isn’t liquid in it yet, because it really kind of revives and brings them together.  That felt like a very Nigella moment

[laughter]

Kyla: No that’s great it is a spicy sweetness and there’s also something slightly almost numbing about star anise too, which is an interesting experience when you’re, when you’re eating isn’t it, like a kind of fragrant numbing at the same time. So what so I was going to ask you because we’re still getting to know each other as well, not that that process ever stops. What’s …what’s your relationship to the word care?

Niamh:  So it’s something I think about a lot in relation to the work we do in the libraries, I think that’s probably become like, care is at the forefront of my mind because I kind of feel like one of my roles in that space is to kind of ensure,  try,  and make as many people as possible feel welcome and kind of…cared for really, in the space that we, that we create – whatever that space may be, in a workshop or….and nothing about that is to do wit,  like, moving quickly and being efficient and kind of having a fixed outcome necessarily in that space, it’s often, it’s much more to do with kind of adjusting and adapting to what is happening, and what people’s individual kind of needs seem to be, and yeah, and that every action is kind of on my, on our part as people who are responsible for that space being as kind of careful and generous as possible. Maybe that’s how I’d express it? 

Kyla: It’s beautiful, that’s so beautiful, because actually what you’re talking about is really showing people that they’re valued. 

Niamh: yes 

Kyla: regardless of who they are where they come from and it also sounds about, you know, sounds like you’re talking about equity as well and giving people a sense of being being heard and welcomed and listened to in a space that’s um that’s for them and like you, and you facilitating that
Niamh: it’s a hard space to create in, like, capitalist society! Kyla: yeah i always kind of harp on about capitalism and ableism and how they’re so interlinked and how you know capitalism doesn’t allow for almost you know for humanity, and it’s seen as, you know, where where individualism, um is really rewarded in the capitalist society, and it doesn’t kind of allow for these open structures of care that aren’t about, um, self-care. It’s actually kind of it’s less about self-care and more about collective care where we kind of dismantle the structures of capitalism to then be able to to understand people and support people and live in community and um, connect and be kind of in the moment and really hold that that space and understanding, um, so that’s… I love that that’s what the library sounds like a microcosm of, and what you’re creating as well. I think what you could do now is put the, uh, the mushrooms in Niamh: All riiight

[music swells and then fades. Sizzling noise]

VOICEOVER: Bella: so yeah the P.A stuff’s going really well, and we’re getting on really well and she’s also really happy to lead on a lot of stuff which is really great. It’s just weird though because often just like, the nature of gaining access to certain areas of support and like going through social care systems through benefits and welfare, it all requires you to have to totally bear your soul at every turn about like the clinical nature of how your body exists, and it’s just strange being so institutionalised into that format of like, constantly having to give out all of this information of like the terms and conditions of your care, in ways that are like, so explicit, and so cruel, and very cold, and then all of a sudden you get through it and then you’re like actually getting the care, and it’s just not like that.  I’m having to unlearn a lot of all of that horrible stuff where you’re having to constantly justify everything, and the, my P.A is just like just getting on with it ,and not really thinking about it, like, she doesn’t need like any direction at all, and I think the thing that’s really kind of blown my mind a bit is just how normal it is for her to do all of the other kind of lifestyle, general household stuff as well, which I was so kind of nervous about, because it seemed like something that wasn’t… you weren’t allowed to ask for that in the social services stuff and, um, it’s very… it’s all very forthcoming from my P.A and it’s really great, it’s really, really amazing, it’s just very, like, there’s lots of ways in which it reveals all of the other hard… all the other kind of painful bits about it, like, just the fact that like I’m you know, like, the house is just now clean on a regular basis and I’m like: oh, oh right… like, it’s just odd, because I guess it just reveals what you put up with, you know, and your kind of level of like, acceptance around how things are, and it’s just this new phase is kind of going: it doesn’t have to be like that though, it can be better, and it’s just odd, it’s just an odd feeling and it’s an amazing feeling too.

[sizzling, music fades in]

Kyla: Um, would you be able to clear the chopping board please Niamh, so that we can, you can get on the mushrooms? We’re going to get you marinating those shiitake mushrooms. So with these mushrooms, these shiitake mushrooms, these are going to be the ones that are marinated and going to go on top, as you know, at the end, when it’s being assembled, and these are quite good just sliced kind of length ways, rather than cut up in cubes. 

Niamh: Okay, do you, um, what do you do with the stems of mushrooms?

Kyla: Oh i cut them, I kind of cut them off and then I just slice down the middle. If you put um soy sauce, uh sesame oil, I… you can just kind of go and i’ll just say okay that’s probably good.  Is there like a little… if you put sesame oil and then stir it is there like a little bit of a pool of soy sauce? 

Niamh: yeah we’ve got a nice little pool of soy sauce

[Music swells and fades out]

VOICEOVER: Kyla: I see all of my P.As and I see their strengths and their weaknesses and I subtly and unconsciously plan what I’m going to eat, what I’m going to do, based on their strengths because obviously I’m directing them, but there’s a certain amount in which I want to be able to not direct them, and for them to do their own thing for me, if you know what I mean so 

yes,  what do you feel like like are things that your PA excels at?

[sizzling swells and fades]

VOICEOVER: Bella: yeah I think that’s really interesting what you were saying about the best way to make the most of personal assistants is about recognising what strengths they bring to a situation and I think I’m finding that more and more through the food that I want cooking when I’m at my poorliest, and how this is kind of like morphing into a version of what I would normally… what would normally be my go-to recipe, and it’s, yeah, it’s evolving into yeah, this version of that where, she’s coming along with her strengths and her, like, signature on that, and yeah it’s really interesting to see how that’s coming together. So, what has started for me as being, um, my go-to poorly dish being, uh, scrambled eggs now it’s Michel’s egg fried rice, and,  yeah I think that’s really interesting how that’s kind of coming together and I am loving the, kind of, like, surprise of that, and the way which the unexpected nature of, kind of, revealing the different strengths that a P.A can bring to that situation, yeah it’s really interesting.

[music fades in]

Kyla: Just start tearing up the kombu whilst the other frying pan is getting hot and put it, put it in the, um, in with the mushrooms

Niamh: yeah, just like small small pieces or…?

Kyla: Yeah maybe you could just roughly chop some ginger and put it in with the carrots and celery.

Niamh: Do you peel your ginger Kyla?

Kyla: Yeah I do, yeah, I mean I don’t think it’s totally necessary if you have really kind of, if you have… if you have really nice ginger and the peel’s not a bit hard, but sometimes I buy so much ginger that often the peel will get a bit hard on some of them and so I’ll take it off, but the the fresher the ginger is, the softer the peel is.  Yeah so yeah that’s a good amount. So after you’ve given that a bit of a stir and kind of incorporated the ginger into the carrots and celery if you could just pour the water into that pot. Niamh: yeah. Kyla: I always use the stalks because nobody really uses the stalks for cooking, so I just take the entire stalks and just give them a bit of a rough, rough chop, and throw them in the stockpot.

[Music fades out]

VOICEOVER: Bella: How are you doing? How are…are you able to like, get any like, cozy foodie comforts in amongst all the kind of busy schedule you’ve got at the moment? I really hope that you are. I’m really trying to make room for that in a way that I find really hard sometimes, I think, I like, resent being hungry and it’s kind of like: oh again already! Like, but I already did that! and I think um making space for the nourishing aspects of it both, like, spiritually, and, like, physically, that really, really seems to help and I think putting the kind of food in a really nice, like just putting it on a nice plate sometimes really makes a difference, and trying to do more of that, because when you’re so finite on reserves, it is just like, ach but I can’t spend it on this again! Yeah, so i really hope you’re able to do that over the next few days.

[Sizzling sound, music fades in]

Kyla: um we maybe we could have and overview,  a little pot cam?

Bella: We have pot cam! that’s so cool! Hey, oh wow that does look really good! This is so great because, like, when we cooked it at the library Iwasn’t there for that one either so it still eludes me to this day

Kyla: One day Bella, one day one day… 

So I think the best thing to do would be for you to strain the stock.

Bella: so does… what happens with the like, the stock pieces do they just get discarded or do they… what happens to those?they’ve done their job?

Kyla:  they do, they have done their job once once the stock has been kind of boiling, uh, for about 20 minutes and then simmering – it’d be nice to do all day or for a few hours. Could you please just take a sip or a spoonful of the stock and taste it and then report back because based on what you say is gonna kind of change how much it’s doctored.

Niamh: well it’s very delicious… it’s like…. sweet 

Bella: mmm

Niamh: caramelly…

Kyla: Okay great so then I think we need to put like a really large, uh, teaspoon of marmite please and then what I’d do is maybe… maybe add another teaspoon of the bouillon or like half, yeah, yeah, like the equivalent of a heaped teaspoon. Do you mind then, uh, tasting that and letting me know how the salt ratio is.

Niamh: okay

I think it’s delicious, it probably needs a little bit more salt 

Kyla: Okay great so then if you start adding soya sauce and i’ll just tell you when maybe

yeah that’s probably good because remember the mushrooms are going to be quite salty because they’ve been marinating in in the soy sauce. So now you could also take just a squeeze of the sriracha

Yeah i’d say that’s probably good yeah. Now before you taste that if you could put the eggs in please. Are they large eggs or medium eggs?

Niamh: I think they’re supposed to be medium. Yeah they’re medium

Kyla: Okay then I’d say five and a half minutes. Why don’t you have a taste of, yeah, have a taste of that and then if that’s totally….

Niamh: mm oh my god. Oh my god

Bella: laughs

Niamh: that’s so good

Bella: ahh looks amazing

Kyla: so how is is that in terms of…. do you think it needs anything else?

Niamh: no I think it’s…. it’s perfectly seasoned. It’s delicious

Kyla: because you’re almost going to be getting a bit of the fresh, kind of, almost savoury, crisp, oniony taste from spring onion on top so remember that’s going to… when you’re thinking of the stock, as well think of the other, kind of, elements – we’ve got the kind of unctuous egg yolk that’s going to be coming, and then we have more umami. Maybe you could just chop the spring onion?

Bella:  has Niamh been a good sous chef so far than Kyla?

Kyla: She’s been, well, i mean she’s not even just a sous chef

I feel like she’s the chef,  and i’m just kind of…

Niamh: oh no definitely not, it’s like, i don’t know, I’m not sure I quite qualify as chef,  I feel like I’ve been, you know  – you’re definitely in control.

Bella: Yeah that’s what it feels like it feels like you’re the driving seat 

Kyla: and very thin as thin as you can

Bella: and these will be like a garnish on top will they? 

Kyla: Yep

Bella: thank you! thank you so much! bye bye bye

Kyla:  Onion close up would be lovely please

Niamh: my hand for scale

Kyla: excellent okay i think maybe we need a bit , spring onion but what we could do is if you just put the oil in and get the mushrooms on, and then once the mushrooms are on maybe we can get the water for the noodles going. 

Niamh: yes. Oh yeah – gentle

Kyla: if you listen closely

Niamh: yeah

Kyla: okay so i guess as soon as the water is boiled maybe you could do that

Whilst they’re sitting there maybe you could just peel the egg.  All right so you don’t definitely don’t want to cut the egg until the very end, until all you know the bowl is

Niamh: like the final reveal. 

Kyla: yes

Niamh: I actually have to tell you, since you, since I did this recipe I’ve been using your boiled egg timing ever since. I never seem to remember, i always have to look it up and then yeah when we made this in the library they were so good, it’s just how I like them, you know, like

runny but not too much… 

Kyla: all the whites kind of done

Niamh: yeah so i’ve been doing like five and a half six minute eggs ever since – you’ve done that

Kyla: I’m such an influencer

Niamh: I think they’re ready

Yeah I was going to say as soon as as soon as you’re ready to just put the stock in and then put the …in the bowls…broth in the bowls, and then you’re going to put the noodles in the noodles can go in the mushrooms are still cooking right?

Niamh: yeah they look pretty done actually. I’m gonna use chopsticks

Kyla: looking fantastic I love how they look like almost these kind of very organic islands, organic noodle islands.  You can put the mushrooms in a pile, you know half and half. 

I think it is time to do the egg.  Egg reveal.

Niamh: this is big as well, big moment.  They are perfect I’d say. 

Kyla: Excellent and then the spring onion in another little pile on top as you know I like the little piles, and there we are. YAY!

Niamh: we did it!

KylaL oh yes yes that looks fantastic wow exactly as the collaged recipe looks like

Niamh: it does

Kyla: fantastic, well I can’t wait for the two of you to sit down and have…

Niamh:  yeah we better eat, this is exciting!

Thank you very much

Greg thank you very much

Kyla: thank you very much

Niamh: it’s really good

Greg: so nice

VOICEOVER: Bella:  I think what was really beautiful about watching just the little snippet of what I got to do with you all this afternoon was just seeing this really amazing, kind of, combination of, like. this virtual thing, this, like, using someone else’s body to be your body to do the job, and then there’s also this really beautiful, like, interweaving of, like, information and how to express certain moods, and and and, wants, within, like, it was just this, like I almost felt like i was watching…. like you were like a conductor and you were like… Niamh and Greg were this, like, you know, duo, and you were like having to conduct. And it was like, it was such an art form to watch because there wasn’t any, you know, there was a recipe that she was looking at so she was reading the music, you know, and you were there trying to say like ‘here, just a little bit more’ or like ;yeah, but careful, but like this, and this way’ and it was just so beautiful to see that within the context of like care in that way, and like I know that obviously like the reality of that setup is slightly performative and that obviously like she’s not actually cooking for you, but it felt like an embodiment of that practice. It was just so beautiful to see and I think as well it really kind of, it really touched me in a, in a very personal way because I’m really struggling with the P.A stuff in lots of ways and it’s, it’s not a struggle, but I can feel the internalised ableism within it very, in a very…. it still feels like a very, like, hard thing to not feel that,  and like holding back a lot of what I really want, and like, um, it was just really beautiful to see. It felt like you were completely, um, autonomous within that position and it was just like so gorgeous to see you just like: ‘yes this much and like this and this way and a touch of that bit’ but like you know…. ah, it was just really cool I felt like it was really magic to see that kind of come to life in that way, I loved it and it felt really aspirational for me in terms of, like, how I’d like to be around the things that I want doing a certain way and like… yeah it was really cool